Being nice is great, but it’s not always the best way to deal with things.
Growing up, my parents valued intellect, wit, truth, altruism, humor, thrift, and niceness. In that order. Ours was a house where Mom and Dad said things like “Don’t tell your sister to shut up, that’s not nice” and “We don't interrupt each other, that's not nice” without a trace of irony. Oh sure, I think kids should learn “please” and “thank you” and possibly, “Oh, did I just whack you in the stomach with my oversized bookbag? My apologies!” In this world, sweetness isn’t always treasured. Maybe more important than being nice is being taken seriously.
Also, I’d like to propose that we redefine what the word “nice” refers to. Instead of being all about appearing agreeable and kind to others, it should also mean that you put value in yourself and don’t suffer in silence so that others can benefit. In airplanes, they always say to put your own mask on first and then help others, right? So being nice means that you take care of others, but first you take care of yourself. Generosity of spirit and being truly helpful are amazing qualities—but you have to make sure that you don’t do these things at your own expense.
Sometimes in business, it seems like when I am trying to be “nice,” it blows up in my face. I extend a deadline to someone, only to have them take even longer to do the work (and now I’m in trouble for the lateness). I try to help the new person, only to have them take over my day with endless questions that have nothing to do with my job. I give someone another chance who is going through a divorce and apologizes profusely for not responding to emails and really really needs this job and can I pay them in advance for a small assignment? Well, you know where that one is going (I ended up doing the work myself). Aren’t these all examples of being nice and wouldn’t I want the person in my position to do the same for me? Sure! I’m still trying to draw the line between being understanding and being taken advantage of.
So maybe instead of striving to be the nicest, I will set my goal at “fair.” And I will ask myself the question, if this person reneges, who will lose most, them or me? And I think I can live with people sometimes thinking I am being a little mean. One phrase I have learned since leaving home is “If you’re tired of being a doormat, don’t let people step on you.”
